The Circle of Life

By Patti Fralix

Spring has sprung, and aren’t we ready for it? We can finally relax, knowing that we will not again this year face snow, sleet, or ice. (And how long did it take you to get to where you were going that infamous Wednesday afternoon?) Although I don’t believe that I have clinical seasonal affective disorder, I do so prefer the spring, summer, and fall to the winter. I am blessed with yet another spring, and if you are reading this, so are you. Let’s make it the best spring ever!

It can’t help but be the best spring ever for me, since my first grandchild, Mary Grace, is due any day now. A friend said that having a grandchild is the only thing he knows that isn’t overrated. I haven’t heard even one negative thing about having grandchildren. Now what else is there that we can say that about? I am so excited!

For years, I have heard of the wonders and joys of grandparenthood, and I am ready! Or am I? Oh, I know that I am ready in many ways. I’m old enough, which is a mixed blessing, some might say. But it has to be a blessing to live long enough to see your child (who will always be your child, regardless of the age) have her child, continuing the circle of life. I am reminded of some who have since passed, and I am so grateful for this gift of aging, even with all the aches and pains that come with it.

My daughter is old enough to be a mother, and she is at a point in her life that having a child is the next logical step. She has finished college and law school, and practices as an attorney. She is married to a wonderful man who will be a great father to my granddaughter. They have been married two and a half years, so they have had some married time together without the responsibilities of children. They are ready financially, as ready as anyone who isn’t independently wealthy can be. I do believe that if most people waited until they think they can really afford children, too many would miss the blessing. 

They have carefully planned this “next step,” deciding that children are an important part of their family. I am glad that some people, men and women, now know that they have a choice to be parents, and that one can be happy and have a full family life without children. For some people of my generation, the Boomers, there was too much pressure from parents and society to make the choice to be childfree. Consequently, some of them had unhappy lives, and probably have less than happy children. Those of you with small children know how much energy children take, and will probably concur that there are times that you have to remind yourself that having these little ones was a conscious choice, so as to keep control of yourself when they are out of control! Keeping control of oneself as a parent takes as much, if not more, energy than they exhibit when they are out of control. It is often 24/7 hard work. Thankfully, the blessings of having children exceed the challenges. 

When your child has children, the circle of life starts all over again. So I am ready to be a grandmother. Or am I? Am I ready emotionally? Now that is a different issue. Being ready emotionally requires a letting go of control, letting your child be the mother. Not that I will no longer be a mother; of course I will always be my daughter’s mother. But I will no longer be THE mother, the mother with a capital M. I will be passing that baton on to my daughter. And although I think she is ready, is she really? If she is, then why do I still need to tell her what to do? A couple of recent examples of the necessity to “coach” are examples of this.

I was at my daughter’s recently for her first baby shower. Can you believe that I had to tell her what to wear, since this was a special event hosted by her husband’s law firm, and what she planned to wear just didn’t seem appropriate? Also, I had to tell her how to clean the house. To be perfectly honest, I cleaned, doing it the way it needed to be done! For after all, company was coming; a friend of mine was coming by to see the nursery. Tara saw right through this, stating, “Mom, you are only getting so worked up because Aunt Judy is coming!” To my daughter’s credit, she let me do what I thought needed to be done, and did not “huff up” the way she used to. In fact, I was the one who “huffed up!” Now isn’t that interesting? I just connected an important fact.

The fact that I may not be ready to be a grandmother emotionally is that this is role reversal. She is now the mother, and will tell me how she wants the baby to be managed. I am no longer in control of my daughter. So what if she dresses differently than I think appropriate, or cleans differently than me? She is in control of those things. And interestingly enough, what she had planned to wear to the shower would have been perfectly fine; probably more so than what I “suggested.”

And her house cleaning, it really is fine also. I may just need to be needed. And I will be needed, and wanted, if I accept the role reversal and occupy my rightful place. I am the grandmother, and that is a wonderful new role. My daughter will always be my daughter, but she is now the mother of her child and the woman of her house. It is time for me to take a back seat and take my lead from her. So that control under the guise of “coaching” doesn’t ruin this wonderful time in the life of a grandmother!

Patti Fralix inspires positive change in work, life, and family through speaking, consulting, and coaching. She is the founder and president of The Fralix Group, Inc., a leadership excellence firm based in Raleigh. She can be reached at pfralix@fralixgroup.com.