Manners … Starting Them Early

By Liza Roney

All parents want to equip their children with the tools they will need to succeed in life. Skilled manners are an excellent way to give your child an advantage over peers. Good manners create confidence by eliminating the worry and self-consciousness that comes with not knowing what to do in a given situation. Children that know how to behave politely are able to relax and enjoy themselves in social situations and attract positive attention from teachers, friends, and neighbors. Confident children mature into productive, successful adults.

WHAT TO TEACH AND WHEN?
Teach your child manners appropriate to his or her comprehension and skill level. You obviously can’t teach a two year old to write a thank you note, but even toddlers can learn to be appreciative and kind.
Here are a few things you can begin working on with toddlers.
• Please, thank you, and excuse me. Practice these niceties every time there is an opportunity.
• Have toddlers address adults with a title. In most situations this means Mr. or Mrs. and a last name. There are some situations, here in the south particularly, where it is acceptable for a young child to address a familiar person with a title and a first name.
• Lay the foundations for making polite introductions by introducing toddlers to the people you come across each day.
• Ask toddlers to behave quietly in public places. Practice whispering with them and using an “inside voice.”
• Make a point to ask toddlers to clean up after themselves. Choose a time of day and designate it as clean up time so that it becomes part of their daily routine. 
• Begin establishing the concept of privacy. Teach toddlers not to open closed doors, go into other people’s drawers, and take other people’s things without permission. 

Preschoolers can learn the following:
• Children should use positive words to support their playmates. Unkind and hurtful language is not allowed and results in punishment.
• Children must apologize with a sincere “I am sorry” when they have done something wrong.
• Preschoolers are ready to tackle the concept of sharing. Teach children that taking turns and sharing is required in order to play with others.
• Preschoolers are ready for table manner basics. They must chew with their mouths closed and not talk with food in their mouths. They should know where utensils go and for what they are used. Make sure they keep their left hand in their lap (unless they are left handed, of course) and use their right hand to eat. They should ask that food be passed to them as opposed to reaching across the table for it. 
• The telephone is not a toy, and if a child cannot write to take a message, he or she probably doesn’t need to answer the phone anyway.
• Children should not interrupt adult conversations unless there is an emergency. 

Elementary schoolers are ready for:
• Correspondence: As soon as a child learns to write, he or she should begin thanking people for gifts and other acts of kindness with notes. 
• Table manners: They should know how to set a table; place and keep napkins in their laps; place forks and knives across their plates when they have finished eating; and avoid smacking, burping, sniffing, or crunching food. Be aware of the kinds of topics that are appropriate or inappropriate for discussion during a meal.
• Phone manners: If someone isn’t available, a child should take a message, including a name, phone number, and reason for calling and make sure the message is delivered. He or she should politely ask the person to whom the caller would like to speak, and turn the phone off or return it to its cradle when the conversation is over. When making phone calls, your child should give the person being called plenty of time to answer before hanging up. He or she shouldn’t make phone calls to people’s homes outside the hours of 9 am and 9 pm or during meal time.
• Privacy: Children shouldn’t discuss family affairs with outsiders, and should not read anyone else’s mail or personal papers.
• Being a guest: They shouldn’t pay visits unless they’re expected, nor overstay your invitation. Kids should offer to help their host/hostess, make the beds they slept in, and straighten up after themselves. They should thank their hosts for their hospitality.
• Public manners: No one should deface or destruct buildings or other public property, and trash shouldn’t be left anywhere but in a designated trash can. Children also need to learn that they shouldn’t stare at or make fun of anyone, no matter how unusual he or she may look.

HOW TO MAKE IT WORK
• Try working on one thing at a time. If you try to teach a child too many social skills at one time, he or she will not learn to perform any of them well. Try teaching table manners first, and when that has been mastered, move on to sharing or telephone manners.
• Continually praise your children for their successes. When your child displays proper manners, give them immediate positive feedback. 
• Don’t ignore bad behavior or wait to talk about it, but never embarrass your child in public. Address a rule as soon as your child breaks it, but do so discreetly. Then, bring up the behavior again in private so that you may discuss it more thoroughly to make sure your child understands how to behave in the future. 
• Point out the polite behavior of others. Use family members and the people you see on a daily basis as frequent examples. Take advantage of some of the many books and videos on good manners. Work politeness into every day in some way. Be consistent and clear with your expectations and consequences. 
• One of the best ways to teach manners is role-playing. As a parent, you can take the role of host, guest, someone on the playground, etc. and act out a typical scenario. Have your child practice displaying proper behaviors for the scene you create.

• Your children are continuously watching the way you interact with other people, so set a good example. They learn from your examples, so be aware of the way you treat every person with whom you come in contact. 

Consistent practice and incorporation of manners into daily life gives children confidence in themselves and consideration for others. Confident, well-mannered children grow into poised, gracious, successful adults! 

Liza Roney is the owner of The Etiquette School of the Triangle. She may be reached at 219-3037. For more information, visit <www.triangleetiquette.com>.